How Can I Help My Loved One with ADHD?

Korrenne Jensen, M.A.C.P., RP The first thing that you can do to support them is BELIEVE THEM. 1.Believe The ADHD Diagnosis This might appear silly on the surface, however many individuals when they find out they have been diagnosed wonder how their circles will accept this. Many neurodiverse folks struggle with rejection sensitivity dysphoria which is “severe emotional responses to criticism and rejection of others” (Beaton, 2022). Within the Beaton, Sirois & Milne (2022) qualitative study on the Experiences of criticism in adults with ADHD it was noted that the neurotypical counterparts experience this as well if faced with reoccurring negative feedback. it is more prevalent in the neurodiverse community simply because they experience higher levels of criticism related to their executive functionality.

A takeaway from this qualitative study is that they noted that being mindful around how criticism is being delivered and the frequency of this can help protect the mental health of neurodiverse individuals (Beaton, 2022). When someone shares their diagnosis with you, recognizing that this is a vulnerable thing to do and being thoughtful in your reactions to this can offer them a safe person to discuss how this effects their lives and open up the conversation around support. Marginalizing individuals whose brains function differently does not support suicide prevention and closes folks off from sharing openly around the support they require. As the receiver of the news that a loved one is neurodiverse you are welcome to have your own experience and have questions around what this might look like for you in terms of your own boundaries. However, these questions, concerns, fears and overwhelm may be better in a space for yourself to unpack, rather than with the individual that has been diagnosed. Late in life diagnosed individuals, myself included have often experienced feeling as though there was something wrong with them and have wanted so badly to show up differently. While not understanding why they seemingly cannot do the things they know inherently they are capable of. Believing them is a free and easy way to support this loved one with their diagnosis. 2.Reminders & Instructions

Due to the working memory issues of neurodiverse individuals their brains have a way of betraying them. Even when they feel as though they will remember having one or two fail safes is generally a wonderful gift you can give your loved one. Discussing this change prior to implementing it can be a nice transition as many neurodiverse folks have symptoms of anxiety, especially if they were undiagnosed and untreated for an extended period. Ways of doing this in person and digitally can look like:

- Handing them a post it note with your request and asking verbally. - Writing things on a calendar or sharing a digital calendar reminder. - Sending text reminders. - Being patient if they need directions delivered more than once. - Giving them time to process the information and not requesting answers on the spot. - Asking them how they would prefer to have the instructions delivered.

Doing these things can help lower the impact of shame, disruptions in the relationship and expresses that you are someone who wants to help them succeed. Each neurodiverse individual is different and has different needs, these are some suggestions and not full proof ways of existing with your ADHD loved one. Share this list with them and see what they think could be helpful and make them feel supported. Discussing and not assuming will be friends to you and them in this process. 3.Not Taking It Personally & Educating Yourself

If we know that someone has a neurodiversity, we cannot hold the same expectations that we might of our neurotypical counterparts. This is not a get out of jail free card in relationships and each person needs to accept for themselves what they can and cannot tolerate in their own intimate relationships. It could be easy to interpret that someone with ADHD may not want value the relationship if they are showing behaviourally that they have not messaged back or forgot to show up or feel burnt out and need to cancel last minute. Taking this to heart may only hurt yourself and the relationship, assuming the best intentions of this person and giving them consideration the way you might to someone who struggles with physical health ailments could offer compassion to you and the individual.

Object permanence is often related to the idea of “out of site, out of mind.” This can relate to food left in the crisper, forgetting to take medication that is not visible and unfortunately sometimes it can relate to the people in our lives. It is not as though someone with ADHD actually forgets you exists, they may not realize how long the passage of time has occurred from the last time they had contact with you (Braico & Moore, 2022). When checking in with your neurodiverse loved one, here are some ways that you can manage your own expectations and protect yourself against taking it personally:

- Ask if you are unsure, asking with curiosity instead of assuming with judgement. - Naming your expectations & asking if they feel able to provide this to you. - Assuming positive intentions. - Choosing to love yourself when experiencing disappointments. - Finding your own supports to discuss frustrations and concerns.

Overall if we assume that everyone is trying their best to show up to their lives and loved ones to the best of their current abilities it can give some separation between someone’s actions and your own self-worth. It can be frustrating and challenging dealing with forgetfulness, hyper fixations, and the ever-changing dreams of a neurodiverse person. These things are also frustrating to them, people grow out of love and support, leaning into this and managing feelings of shame and blame can improve how you connect with your ADHD loved one. References:

Beaton, D. M., Sirois, F., & Milne, E. (2022, February 18). Experiences of criticism in adults with ADHD: A qualitative study. PloS one. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8856522/ Braico,J., & Moore, C. (2022, March 15) Medically reviewed by Jeffrey Ditzell, DO . How ADHD affects object permanence and what it means for relationships. Healthgrades. https://www.healthgrades.com/right-care/adhd/adhd-object-permanence Crawford, N. (2003, February). ADHD: A Women’s issue. Monitor on Psychology. https://www.apa.org/monitor/feb03/adhd Espinet, S. D., Graziosi, G., Toplak, M. E., Hesson, J., & Minhas, P. (2022, August 8). A review of Canadian diagnosed ADHD prevalence and incidence estimates published in the past decade. Brain sciences. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9406225/ Holland, K. (2019, June 15). Red Hair, Blue Eyes: How Common is the genetic combination?. Healthline. https://www.healthline.com/health/red-hair-blue-eyes#other-insights Moore, D. (2022, December 29). U.S. population estimated at 334,233,854 on Jan. 1, 2023. Census.gov. https://www.census.gov/library/stories/2022/12/happy-new-year- 2023.html#:~:text=The%20projected%20world%20population%20on,expected%20worldwide%20every%201%20second.